


Redefined

by Potential Violet (Potential_Violet)



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Anger, Announcement, Anxiety, Coping, Crying, Despair, Disappointment, Dresses, Engagement, Friendship, Heartbreak, Jealousy, Love, Lovesickness, Meditation, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reflection, Shock, Unhappiness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-07-12 22:12:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7124407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Potential_Violet/pseuds/Potential%20Violet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Greg had won. In no time at all he had succeeded where she had failed, and the loss hurt like nothing ever had before. Rose was her everything, the most a pearl could ever ask for, the one thing in the universe that she desired most... and she was getting married, to someone else. Pearl had never stopped to consider what she would be without Rose, but she was about to...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fracture

_For all the pearls that love a rose quartz,_

_and for all the rose quartzes that love them back._

* * *

" _Finally_!" Amethyst exclaimed when the gate reappeared and Pearl entered Rose's room. Pearl frowned as she stepped across the light-pink cloud, she'd been in the middle of a really engaging violin piece when Rose had called for them, and the interruption was rather unwelcome — just because Amethyst didn't have anything better to do except wait around for surprises, didn't mean that everyone else was in the same position. Soon after arriving in the room she took her place opposite Rose, next to Amethyst on the plush white sofa that had been imagined into existence for the occasion.

Amethyst was going to ask what had taken her so long, but she didn't really care: Pearl was a lot less important now that she was actually here, because now that she was the good bit could start. Wasting no time, the little Gem began to fire questions at Rose (again):

"So what's the surprise?! Can we eat it? Does it blow up?! ...Ooooh, is it a person?! Are we getting someone new to go world protecting with!? Wait, it's not Greg, is it? Greg is squishy. And he can't run that fast, and... He's cool, but if we take him out with us he'll probably die."

Pearl smirked at Amethyst's bluntness: she found it immensely satisfying to hear less than favourable assessments of Rose's favourite human, even if they were made inadvertently (these days she took what she could get in that regard). Garnet laughed, but from her tone Pearl knew that she wasn't receiving Amethyst's words in the same way — an idea that was reinforced when Garnet stopped laughing, and went back to smiling that same contented smile she had glimpsed when she'd first reached the sofa —it was like she knew something...

It made Pearl feel uneasy.

After a few moments Rose, still chuckling, replied, "No, we're not getting anyone new to protect the world with. We _have_ been doing it quite a while... but I think the four of us have still got it."

"Ughhhh, boring..." Amethyst muttered loudly, quickly losing in interest in the idea. "But Pearl's here now, so can you pleeeeeease give us the surprise?! I can't wait anymore!" she complained, throwing her head back and shaking it wildly to get her point across better.

"Okay, okay." Rose said, pleased, and looking almost as excited as the little purple Gem. "I've invited you all in here today because I want to tell you some wonderful news, together. Greg and I have decided to take our relationship to the next level... we're going to get married!" she delightedly explained to her small audience, positively beaming with happiness.

...

'No.' Pearl thought in quiet, horrified disbelief.

'Please, no. Please, Rose, please don't do this to me...' she silently begged, already feeling an irreparable fracture snake across her universe — bringing with it a sharp, piercing pain, and a rapidly mounting sense of dread.

This couldn't be happening... This wasn't how it was supposed to be! How had it... _they_ — **_him_** , and Rose, together — gotten this far? And how had she been unable to do anything about it...?

It was too soon. She needed more time! Time with Rose, time to convince her that... Just a few more weeks! That was all she needed, _then_ he could... they could decide whether or not to get married!

She felt nauseated. An overwhelming feeling of wrongness washed over her like a huge wave — it was similar to how attempting to eat made her feel, but so, _so_ much worse. She couldn't believe that this was it, the end of all her opportunities to be with Rose. Marrying Greg would cement their love for each other, marrying Greg would make the two of them official — take them beyond anything they'd had before, and as they got closer and closer together, she and Rose would drift further and further apart...

The idea of being separated from Rose like that was too much for her panic-stricken mind to bear, and something inside of her snapped, violently. The thoughts and feelings that had begun to spiral out of her control were suddenly irrelevant — translated into a singular, all-consuming desire to express **exactly** how she felt. Everything seemed to go silent as she balanced on the razor-sharp edge between saying nothing, and disclosing everything in a dramatic, make-or-break gesture; it was so _close_... she could picture the explosion with such clarity that it felt like she was watching the future unfold:

"YOU CAN'T!" her vision-self screamed, shoving Garnet and Amethyst out of the way. The theoretical double then expanded on her point by grabbing Rose by the waist, leaning her back and drawing her into a vigorous kiss (totally disregarding how difficult that would be to accomplish in the real world... She'd find a way around that problem when she came to it...), before tenderly whispering, "You can't, because _I_ love you..."

But that wasn't going to happen.

That wasn't going to happen because Rose already knew how she felt, and if she hadn't wanted her before, then she certainly wasn't going to want her now that she was engaged.

That wasn't going to happen, because she had never done anything like that before, and she wasn't... _enough_ , to do something like that now. 'Not that it would even have any effect now.' she thought, utterly dejected.

The angry, blazing light that had flared up inside her so rapidly dwindled to a tiny spark, and then went out altogether...

...

By now Pearl had been silent for a number of seconds, and was frozen in exactly the same position she had been in when the announcement was made. Rose was cuddling Amethyst and Garnet, but looking at straight at her — she felt a pang of guilt at the obvious concern on Rose's face:

She knew that she should be happy for her, that this was what Rose wanted and that it... that _he_ brought her great joy, so their engagement definitely wasn't a _bad_ thing. She knew that she should stand up, smile, and congratulate her friend like Garnet and Amethyst were doing...

But she didn't **_want_** to...

More guilt shot through her as she realised that she had not only failed to win Rose's love, but was now failing at being a friend as well: Amethyst and Garnet could act pleased about it, and she was closer to Rose than either of them...

'No.' she decided. She wouldn't be the one to cause a scene and ruin what was supposed to be a happy moment. She could deal with this: she had willingly cut all ties to her Homeworld — and in doing so had permanently exiled herself to the Earth; she'd not only fought in, but survived that long and arduous war; she'd seen friends — both human and Gem — destroyed before her eyes, and she had come to terms with it. She could deal with this...

And so, putting everything she had into the act, she forced herself to draw the corners of her mouth into a believable, delighted smile; she willed herself into rising from the sofa, and made herself step closer to Rose. She felt numb... it was as though she was a spectator —or a prisoner in her own body, and someone unseen was piloting it... Finally she put her arms around Rose, Garnet and Amethyst shifted slightly to give her more space, and when everyone was properly positioned the four of them settled into the group hug.

Well, three of them did... Pearl was physically there, but emotionally she contributed nothing to the contact: she felt like she was betraying herself by joining in, and betraying Rose by pretending to be pleased when she was in fact the total opposite.

...

The instant Pearl joined the embrace Rose could feel that something wasn't right; despite her close proximity, there was something... distant about her this evening, something cold, and stiff about her touch. It was enough to make her look down at Pearl in worry, but Pearl didn't look back up at her to make eye contact. Before she could say anything Amethyst released her and demanded:

"So wait, what's married?"

"Marriage: the human ritual in which two people have their relationship formally recognised, binding a part of what they are together in the process." Garnet explained sincerely.

"Ohhh..." Amethyst acknowledged with quiet wonder, looking up at Garnet and then at Rose. The taller Gems both smiled.

"That's just my definition though. To really understand, you'll need a warp pad. ...And a dictionary."

And for a moment there was silence...

Then Pearl felt Rose's body quivering: she immediately looked up to see what was wrong — just in time to hear the beginning of Rose's breathy snickering, which quickly escalated into full scale chortling. Rose let go of them all, and Pearl stood there feeling awkward when she saw that Garnet and Amethyst had joined her in fits of laughter.

'It wasn't even that amusing!' she thought miserably: so Amethyst had misconstrued her entirely and taken her advice to 'absorb the contents of the dictionary' as an invitation to eat it — so what!? Amethyst was always misusing human objects, and eating things... and _she'd_ still been responsible for replacing the library book...

As the laughter continued she felt more and more out of place; the three of them were able to smile, to be in the moment, to enjoy themselves fully... while she was separate: set apart by her secret anguish. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she hastily turned away from the other Gems to wipe them while they weren't paying full attention; as she ran a finger across the bottom of her eye she realised that she could make the situation work for her: she lowered her hand and let her eyes do as they wished — feigning a warm smile before she turned around and took Rose's hand.

"Rose... This is... wonderful." Pearl said quietly, and very clearly. "I'm... glad, that you're going to be happy..."

"Ohhhhh! Thank you, Pearl." Rose replied happily, pulling Pearl into another hug. The sudden change in tone had surprised her a little, and it was that that Pearl intended to use to make a clean escape. Earlier than Rose had planned to let her go she gently disengaged herself from the pink-haired Gem and said:

"Thank _you_ , for telling us all at the same time. But umm... I was solving a problem just before you called, and I'd like to get back —so I don't forget where I was. If you don't mind?"

"Oh, no, not at all. ...Don't work too hard, okay?" Rose answered with a smile, making the door appear a short distance away.

"I won't..." Pearl agreed. She smiled briefly and then made for the door, willing that nobody would call her back or ask her anything on the way.

They didn't.

Tears flowed steadily down her face as she walked to the exit in silence, and she could feel two pairs and one trio of eyes on her back. But she kept her steps even: she just had to keep it together until she was out of Rose's room.

At last... she was out. She'd made it. The gate sealed behind her and then re-opened on her command; she shuffled — trancelike — into her room, where she finally collapsed to her knees, raised both hands to her face, and began to sob without restraint.

…


	2. Voices in the Rift I - Settle

“…No… No… No… No… Woaaaahhh-ho-ho! Who would even wear that?!” Amethyst asked incredulously.

“I… ermm… I don’t know. Maybe it’s supposed to go under an actual dress?” Rose suggested, trying to make sense of the improbable nt in the bridal magazine.

“Under their underwear, more like!” Amethyst replied with a snort of laughter.

“Oh my… They’d get awfully cold wearing it...”

“Hahahaha! Yeah, especially when the wind blows around their—”

“I think we get the idea, Amethyst.” interjected a very bored sounding Pearl.

Rose surreptitiously turned her head towards Amethyst and winked, making her fellow quartz snicker at their private joke. Pearl rolled her eyes at Amethyst’s immaturity and then snorted in disdain at the dress in question (cold would be the least of the wearer’s problems if they were unlucky…), and at the situation in general: there were several styles in the magazine that she thought would suit Amethyst, picking a dress really wasn’t as difficult as she was choosing to make it. She rolled onto her back and allowed her head to drop squarely onto the floor, asking herself: ‘Why am I even still here?’

With a quiet sigh she shut her eyes: the exercise was getting tedious, and if she didn’t take a short break then Amethyst would be getting a piece of her mind very soon (and it wasn’t going to be a nice piece — Amethyst wouldn’t like it at all, and then Rose would be disappointed in her. That was a step backwards she couldn’t afford to take.)... But only moments later she felt a presence looming close above, and on opening her eyes she was treated to the sight of Rose’s face smiling down at her.

…

Pearl’s eyes began to wander over the peach coloured visage, and she found it impossible to stop them — how could she, when Rose’s face was so near, and so… alluring? Without conscious thought she drank in its every aspect: the smooth, perfect texture of her skin; the cuteness of her nose; the luscious fullness of her lips...

‘Stars you're beautiful…’ Pearl thought as she gazed, temporarily transfixed, into the inky darkness of her mentor’s eyes.

She wondered what Rose was thinking: even after all the time they’d spent together she was still never entirely sure what was going on behind those captivating black pools… but whatever was on her mind was something positive — _that_ Pearl was sure of, and she hoped that just this once _she_ , alone, was the reason Rose’s smile was so full of warmth. It was such a welcoming smile — like an unspoken invitation for her to join the object of her affections in a state of safe, soothing contentment... Suddenly everything was perfect, and from where she was she could so easily imagine herself reaching up into those voluminous curls and guiding Rose’s head — ever so gently — towards hers for a soft, natural kiss…

Pearl blushed: being as close as she was, it wasn't hard to believe that Rose could hear every word of her inner dialogue, if the desires of her gem weren’t already written all over her face... It was embarrassing, but she could tolerate the feeling; what embarrassed her more was how effortlessly the pink-haired Gem could reduce her usually rational mind to a chaotic, lovesick mess. She’d been okay with it before because Rose had always been there… she’d always been _available_ ; but recently… since the announcement, Pearl had started to believe that her emotions were a problem —a childish bad habit that she should give up, but knew she couldn’t…

And that idea unsettled her — more profoundly each time she was reminded of it…

…

Shyly, Pearl smiled back, and then quickly looked away — feeling incredibly conscious of herself. But her attempts to reduce the discomfort that admiring Rose made her feel were short lived: her attention was drawn back to Rose’s lips — to say that they were inviting was an understatement, _enticing_ better described how they compelled her to keep glancing back at them.

They were just so full... So soft looking… Such a lovely shade of pink…

And they were moving towards her.

‘Is she… going to kiss me?’ Pearl wondered as Rose’s face descended. ‘She’s going to kiss me!’ It was happening! Maybe Rose really _could_ hear her thoughts, and had decided to grant her wish… Like the event was unfolding in slow motion she watched as the short distance between them gradually closed, and then shut her eyes in readiness…

…Only to then feel something soft press lightly against the tip of her nose. Her eyes flicked open at the contact, just as Rose began to sway her head from side to side — an action which caused their noses to brush past each other with small, pleasant strokes.

…

Pearl was momentarily stunned with disappointment, unable to do anything except lie still while Rose completed her gesture of tenderness. But the light-blue flush soon returned to her cheeks as disappointment gave way to a second bout of embarrassment: **_of course_** Rose hadn’t intended to kiss her, they were choosing dresses in preparation for her marriage to _Greg_ — kissing someone that _wasn’t_ Greg didn’t make any sense... And even if Rose had wanted to kiss her, why would she have done it when Amethyst was present?

She wouldn’t.

The entire suggestion was just so stupid, a product of the overactive imagination that Pearl had once again allowed to run away with signs that weren’t really there…

‘A stupid fantasy, for a stupid pearl.' she told herself scathingly.

…

With a smile Rose regarded her pearl one last time, then turned to focus on Amethyst and the magazine again; Pearl debated whether or not to do the same: she could already feel her mood worsening and seriously doubted staying would do anything to improve it, but then… what reason — really — was there for her to leave? Rose had sought her out, she’d invited her to come and help Amethyst choose something to wear, she’d asked for and paid attention to her opinions; as far as Pearl could tell Rose was pleased that she was still there, and ordinarily that would be more than enough— the idea of going somewhere else wouldn’t even occur to her.

And yet it _had_ occurred to her. She knew why…

Pride.

The only reason she was thinking about leaving right now was because she felt foolish — and she felt like that because her... _passion_ for Rose had led her to misinterpret the situation, not because of anything that Rose (or Amethyst, she had to admit) had actually said or done. The worst part was that she was getting what she wanted, and she **_still_** wasn’t happy! To be in Rose’s presence, doing something, _together_ — was something that she hoped for every day; and the priceless moments that Rose found to show her some affection were to be savoured for all their worth — now, because she had wanted so much, she wasn’t able to fully enjoy either…

In spite of everything Pearl decided to stay: she knew herself, and she knew that she'd much rather be in Rose's company — feeling dispirited and irritable — than elsewhere, feeling angry and alone… being torn apart by her own insidious thoughts.

After another, practically inaudible sigh, she flipped onto her front — ready as she’d ever be to rejoin the dress hunt.

…

“…isn’t that fond of dresses either, and she’s still going to wear one.” Rose finished pointing out.

“Still don’t wanna.” Amethyst replied petulantly.

“But there are so many styles, and shapes, and textures — look how many different things we’ve seen in this magazine alone. I _know_ there’ll be one out there somewhere that you’ll like… But you just like saying ‘no’, don’t you?” Rose asked playfully.

“No!” the lavender Gem happily confirmed, before descending into laughter.

She must have recognised some truth in what Rose had said though, because once she’d quietened down she moved the magazine a bit closer to herself, and hastily flicked backwards through the pages until she’d found what she was looking for.

“Maybe… this one.”  she announced, pointing to a sleeveless shirt dress with a flared skirt and lace collar.

“Ohhhh, it’s lovely, Amethyst; really pretty! I can definitely see you wearing it.” Rose said proudly. “Why didn’t you point it out when you first saw it?”

“ _Welllllllll_ , it’s _okay_ , for a dress… but I wanted to see if there was one I liked more: if you’re gonna make me wear a dress then I want the best one I can find!”

“I’m not going to _make_ you wear a dress if you really don’t want to; I just thought it would be nice for the three of you to have a sort of theme, like the close friends of human brides often do.”

“We’ve already got a theme.” Amethyst argued.

“ _Really_? And what would that be?” Pearl challenged in a derisive tone.

“We’re Gems, and everyone else isn’t.” was Amethyst’s confident reply.

“That isn’t a theme; it’s an observation that happens to be true.”

“Who says it’s not a theme?!”

“You just don’t want to wear a dress: it was obvious that Rose meant a _visible_ theme when she said it, one that will be clear to anyone who knows anything about marriages— or even formal gatherings in general. Just stop being difficult.”

“You’re the difficult one! And you’re always grouchy these days—!”

“Hey, hey, there’s no need to shout: Pearl isn’t attacking you.” Rose soothingly explained to Amethyst; then, turning to Pearl, she said: “And it was very kind of Amethyst to agree to take a look through these magazines in the first place, and kind of _you_ to be here to offer another opinion — especially for as long as you’ve both stuck with it. …I understand if you’re getting impatient; so if either of you want to stop then that’s fine, and Amethyst if you don’t find a dress you’d be comfortable wearing then we can think of something else for you — it’s more about the colour anyway.” Rose concluded.

“I’m sorry.” Pearl apologized to Amethyst, looking past Rose again. She really meant it: she hadn’t intended to snap at her like that, it just… came out.

“Don’t worry about it.” Amethyst casually replied.

“And I don’t want to stop —unless Amethyst wants to.” she told Rose.

“So, do you want to stop?” Rose asked.

“Yeah. But let me finish this magazine first.” said Amethyst, already rifling through the remaining pages.

Pearl wondered why Amethyst hadn’t gone through the magazine at the speed she was now, earlier: perhaps the little quartz was there for the same reason as her, and had been drawing out the selection for as long as she sensibly could… The idea brought her some comfort.

“Okay, I’m done.” Amethyst informed everyone after about a minute, “The one I showed you earlier is the only one that isn’t terrible, so I’ll wear that.”

“You will? Oh, wonderful! You’re going to look adorable!” Rose exclaimed.

Amethyst wasn’t too impressed at the thought of being ‘adorable’, and frowned when Rose beamed at her with those characteristic stars in her eyes.

“I really like the dress you’ve picked,” Pearl said before Amethyst could complain. “It’s simple, and elegant… and it stands out from almost everything else we’ve seen so far —in a good way. I think it’ll suit you perfectly.” she told her with a small smile.

“Thanks, Pearl.” Amethyst said, returning the smile. Suddenly she fixed her attention on Rose, and in a notably suspicious way asked: “So what did you mean earlier when you said 'it's more about colour'?”

“…Oh, well when it came down to what the three of you would wear on the day, the most important thing was that you each got to choose something that you’d be happy with. But at the same time I’d also like your outfits to have something in common — and because you were always going to choose different things, it seemed easiest to make that common theme colour. That's why your outfits are going to be real fabric this time, not constructs."

"Ohhhh, so what colour did you pick?"

"It's called lemon chiffon: it's a shade of yellow that I think complements all three of your skin tones. Here, see what you think." Rose informed her, taking control of the magazine to show the shade in question.

"That's so...! Alright." Amethyst decided with a grin.

"Just ‘alright’?" Rose pushed her.

"Yeah, it's kinda plain, but it's still nice. And it's a lot better than lake-foam green."

"You were paying attention to the names of the colours?" Pearl asked, genuinely surprised.

"I pay attention to _everything_..." the purple Gem responded in a dramatic whisper.

Pearl rolled her eyes again.

"Anyway, what's Gregory gonna wear? Something hilarious, right?!" Amethyst asked, already laughing at the idea of Mr. Universe in formal clothes.

...

‘You _idiot_!’ Pearl thought, absolutely furious with Amethyst. ‘You big mouthed, short-sighted, half-witted moron! Why did you ask that!? Who **_cares_** what Greg is going to wear!?’

Like an expletive used in the wrong company or an exceptionally stupid suggestion, Greg’s name had the almost magical ability to change the nature of any discussion it came up in. Amethyst and Garnet never seemed to notice it happening, Rose greeted every opportunity to talk about _him_ with a smile, but Pearl could see what was going on… she was very much aware of the way he completely dominated their interactions with Rose without even being there.

And she was fed up with it.

The way that he managed, somehow, to work his way into every conversation, was exasperating, and so distressing: the mere thought of him was enough to ruin the best of her moods, but at least within her own mind she had a measure of control over how much attention he was paid — when the others insisted on talking about him for mind-numbing hours there was no escape, no forgetting about him… just a brutal reminder of how he had appeared out of thin air and become, against all expectation, the **unwanted** fifth member of the group.

Pearl could hear the sounds flowing from Rose’s mouth as she responded to Amethyst, but barely registered a word of what she was saying. The topic was of less than zero interest to her; the thought of removing herself from the conversation suddenly looked a lot more appealing, because in reality there was only one direction the dialogue was now going to continue in… With nothing good to say about him her best course of action was to say as little as possible: holding her tongue was far safer than giving her true feelings any opportunity to seep into her words, which would only widen the division between her and Rose. It was either that or not being there at all, and over time her absences would have the same effect as her silences anyway.

‘What sort of choice is that!?’ she screamed at herself in a flush of negative emotion.

And why couldn’t any of them see that there was something wrong with the fact that Greg had become such an indispensable part of their discussions?

No answer revealed itself to her, just as she guessed it wouldn’t; but the same situation would repeat itself again and again and again, so she had plenty of time to try and figure one out…

…

 


	3. Voices in the Rift II - Delude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> voo: a Homeworld Gem made, handheld electronic musical instrument consisting of two small panels (one for playing notes, the other for modifying how the notes sound) connected by a rotating hinge. Older models have small keypads and dials, while newer models make use of touchscreen interfaces. The sounds a voo is capable of producing are comparable to those of a synthesizer.

* * *

 

Like the finest of cut diamonds, the stars twinkled in the most mesmerizing way against their endless, twilight background.

In every direction white, red and light-blue points of brightness adorned a midnight-blue expanse, lending it an intriguing and inspiring beauty; in return, the dusky surroundings served to bring out the brilliance of the stars, and they shone as majestically as anyone could ever hope to see them.

Closer to the ground a number of ethereal, pale-gold ribbons radiated from a point above the centre of a small lake. Like waves suspended in time and space, the curious sheets gently rose and fell all the way along whatever path they traced through the air — dimming to near-invisibility as they extended above the fountains that hung, unsupported, over the surface of the lake.

The stars, the ribbons and the sky’s gentle gradient from deep-blue to pale-purple, gave the area a mystical atmosphere — and it was here, in the room she had so meticulously designed for herself, that Pearl chose to sit as she contemplated the more upsetting aspects of her life.

…

There was just so much to deal with at the moment: unwanted reminders of how life was going to be from now on, unpleasant developments that reinforced who Rose’s new favourite was, the anxiety that never really went away; and then there was the recurring thought that she should be looking for a long-term solution to her problem with ‘Rose and Greg’...

 _Problem **s**_ with ‘Rose and Greg’ was more accurate… And some of them might not even _be_ problems, if she could feel differently about them; perhaps what she needed to figure out more urgently was how to avoid getting swept up in the same whirlwind of unhappiness?

…Should it even be necessary to figure that out though?

From time to time she found herself asking if her pain was usual, justified... or if she was overreacting to what was happening with Rose —like she had been overreacting to everything else lately...

With a renewed sense of purpose, Pearl exhaled deeply. She wouldn't be overwhelmed, not this time... She'd chosen the perfect place, she was dedicating this time to _constructive_ thought, and she was making adequate progress towards a more positive outlook for herself.

…

On all sides, water cascaded down around her in an illuminated cylinder — overflow from the fountain above; the rushing sound it made as it poured into the lake was just quiet enough for her to hear herself think, but loud enough to be relaxing _and_ to keep her focused — all of which were crucial for what she was trying to do. …It was actually something she should’ve done a long time ago, back when she had first realised that she was losing the fight for Rose…

‘Everything is a fight now— or ends in one.’ she thought, feeling negativity try to creep into her mind. But with the three people she valued most carrying on with their lives like nothing was wrong, she saw it as an unsurprising consequence that she’d become rather confrontational. Maybe that was her problem: she’d decided that her reaction was the appropriate one and everyone else didn’t care enough, when actually _she_ cared too much, and was making things out to be far worse than they were.

That made sense. It explained why nobody else was as upset as she was, and when she thought about it further they did have a point: Rose was still going to be Rose, even if she did marry Greg — only the way she spent her time was going to change.

No... That wasn’t… It was more complicated than that.

Greg was receiving the very specific form of Rose’s love that she had always wanted, the love that she had always expected to get, eventually... It wasn’t fair; it had reduced her to tears on more occasions than she cared to count, but what terrified her was the idea that that love Rose had decided to give to him, would in time come to sever their unique connection. Yes, Rose would still love her, but it would be the same love she had for Garnet and Amethyst: she would become ‘one of the Gems’… and while the others were content with being that, she never could be. Her special relationship with Rose was the most precious thing she'd ever gained, and had become a key part of who she was; of all the things she had achieved, the fact that someone like Rose had chosen _her_ as a confidant was what she looked to whenever she questioned her self-worth...

She took a slow, deep breath in... and after a moment released it just as slowly, feeling calmness fill her once again.

'It isn't going to come to that.' she told herself as firmly she could.

This was 'Rose and Pearl' she was talking about: _Rose Quartz_ , and her, Pearl. They had been together for millennia — through struggles that most people couldn't possibly imagine, and they had overcome them all, together. Their trials had brought them as close as two Gems could be without being permanently fused (which she knew wasn't really Rose's 'style', and actually, that suited her fine as well: being fused with Rose was a wonderful, empowering experience, but she preferred being able to see, and touch, and interact with her favourite person with her own body) — a bond like theirs was easily strong enough to withstand some human **_boy_** , even if he had managed to steal a worrying amount of Rose's love...

'Yes,' Pearl thought, 'everything is going to be fine.'

Rose was occupied a lot of the time: she was a busy person with her own life, but it couldn’t… it _wouldn't_ be much longer before she realised how upset her best friend really was. Something very small would be done: a stray word spoken, a response might take fractionally too long to arrive, or the right (or wrong) question might be asked and instantly, Rose would be able to tell that she wasn't okay at all…

…And she would know how to change that.

It was all a matter of time… The upcoming wedding cut deeply because it affected her in a very personal way, but the serenity of her room allowed her to think past that temporarily and instead see it as a more general ‘significant event’. When she thought of it like that, the problem finally started to look like one that she could cope with: hearing about Greg all the time was torturous — even when she was talking to the others she never really got the chance to focus on anything other than why she felt the way she did — but just like with finding Amethyst, or with the war, this wouldn’t be the focus of their lives forever. Things happened to them, significant things, life-changing things… but they didn’t talk about those things every day, and ultimately it would be the same with Mr. Universe.

She hoped it would be the same anyway…

But she’d underestimated him before…

…

Pearl opened her eyes and sighed. With things the way they were, trying to be positive was difficult. She _did_ feel better than she had in a while though (not that that was difficult to manage)… maybe after a few more months, or years of this she’d feel like she had before _he_ came along.

The meditative Gem sat in place for a few minutes longer as she decided on what she wanted to do next, quickly realising that she didn’t want to do anything except talk to Rose. It was then that she heard the unmistakable chime of the warp pad; the sound was faint, barely audible over the noise of the fountains and central waterfall, but it was enough to catch her attention. Perhaps it was wishful thinking but something told her it was Rose who had just arrived, and at once she stood up with the intention of finding out before whoever it was could go elsewhere. The curtain of water momentarily parted to let her out without getting wet, and she skipped briskly over the surface of the lake towards her door, opening it only slightly in case the noise had just been Amethyst or Garnet leaving the Temple.

What she saw through the narrow gap wiped the small smile from her face:

On the far side of the warp pad stood Rose in all her pink-haired glory, absolutely enthralled by none other than Greg himself. He was talking in a most animated fashion about something, so much so that it looked to Pearl like he was attempting some form of dance. Rose’s eyes didn’t leave him for even a moment; her smile was wide and bright… she hung onto his every word.

It was plain to see that she adored him.

The way Rose looked at him… it was the same way she looked at Rose…

Pearl could almost feel the layer of frost forming on her gem as anything positive was drained from it: there he was… this unremarkable, scruffy-looking, impulsive, interfering human — the architect of her misery — in front of the temple like he was welcome to be there. And how long had he been waiting there before she arrived anyway?

What she wouldn’t give to make him disappear…

He must have said something particularly amusing, because Rose suddenly threw her head back and her shoulders bounced cheerfully as she laughed. Pearl had had enough of watching the infuriating spectacle, and once Rose’s laughter had subsided she opened the Temple Gate to its widest and walked over to the pair, wanting to know what he was even doing here.

…

They’d been so focused on each other that neither of them had noticed the small divide she’d been peering through, but the movement and sound of the Gate opening completely made it impossible to miss. Greg abruptly stopped what he was doing and fell silent — ‘Good.’ Pearl thought smugly — while Rose beamed welcomingly, clearly pleased to see her.

“ _Hello_.” the larger Gem said brightly as she approached.

“Hello, Rose,” she replied with a smile, taking her place in the conversation, “…Hi, Greg.” she added brusquely.

“Pearl.” Greg acknowledged politely.

“How’s my pearl doing?” Rose asked.

“She’s doing okay… How are you doing?”

“Wonderfully, thank you: today is turning out much better than I’d expected.”

“That’s great; your mission must’ve been fairly straightforward for you to be back so soon; I wasn’t expecting you until this evening…”

“Oh, it was… And I probably wouldn’t be back yet, but luckily I’ve had some help: there’s this lovely tribe that’s settled into one of the smaller structures around the Ziggurat, and they’d found and dissipated most of the corrupted Gems in the area before I arrived. From what I could understand, hunting the poor things is a part of how they choose their leaders.” Rose explained.

“That’s quite impressive.” Pearl admitted. Confrontations between humans and corrupted Gems tended to end messily (to say the least) and **not** in the human’s favour; thankfully it was very infrequent, but when it _did_ happen… it was a sharp reminder that the Earth still needed their protection.

“I thought so too. But one of the fights I did have to have, revealed a hidden door inside one of the rooms in the Ziggurat itself — concealed by a secondary security system just for that room.”

“What was behind the door?”

Rose grinned and leaned in close:

“It’s nothing _too_ exciting: just a data prism with some battle plans on it, a few small, personal things and a really beautiful, old-fashioned voo." she whispered into Pearl’s ear.

"Oh, okay. But why are you whispering?" Pearl whispered back (though she did like how close they suddenly were, and the fact that Greg couldn’t hear).

“Because I don’t want to spoil the surprise. When I saw the voo I knew I had to show it to Greg: it’s the sort of thing he’ll love! And it’ll be nice to show him something that wasn’t made for fighting for once.”

“Oh.” Pearl responded coolly, her voice returning to its normal volume. “You’re not staying then?”

She didn’t know why she was even bothering to ask, she already knew the answer…

“Rose, I’m gonna go wait over there…” Greg declared before Rose could reply. He found it weird how the bitterness that had crept into Pearl’s voice was subtle, sort of, but at the same time it was still really obvious… Either way it was there, and he was gonna let the ladies finish their conversation before the ice queen found another reason to give him that death stare…

“Okay, I won’t be long.” Rose called back before turning to answer Pearl: “No, I can’t stay — I need to get those corrupted Gems back, but I don’t want to just… _take_ them—”.

“I could do it…” Pearl suggested hopefully.

Rose chuckled at the pragmatism of her left-hand Gem:

“I know you could,” she agreed, “but it’d be nicer to give them something for their trouble. Something useful, that can’t regenerate and harm anyone.”

“Yes, you’re right. That does sound better.”

The pink-haired Gem smiled.

“So, I’m not staying for long: I just came to get something to exchange with the tribespeople, then I’m going to give Greg a tour of the Ziggurat before we watch the sunset.” she informed Pearl. Then, she noticed how disappointed the Gem looked and added, “But after that, I’ll be back for the rest of the night. …Was there something you wanted to talk about?”

…

Staring out into the ocean, Greg decided that the Gems had built the Crystal Temple in a _really_ sweet spot. It was a little cut off from the rest of the city, but between the amazing view, the peacefulness of the area and having the beach as a front yard, he felt that it was the sort of location he’d be happy to live in (if he ever decided to live in one place; the world being his garage and all… or something…).

A tickling on his exposed heels made him look down in time to see a narrow ripple passing through the sand towards the ocean. He was watching the first strange wave dampen to nothing when a second swept past him, once again throwing sand against his foot.

“What the…?” he began, turning around to see source of the freaky occurrences.

“ **Whoa**.”

Along the line where the polished stone of the Temple met the beach, long, conical spikes were slowly extending out of the sand. Their steady growth from the material around them was fascinating, but _so_ creepy at the same… It was like they were possessed, the way the little shapes tilted and slid around in random directions… like they were being controlled by someone who couldn’t concentrate…

Another pulse moving across the sand snapped him out of his daydream — with a shudder he looked up from the floor, to watch Rose and Pearl briefly instead. They were still just talking… maybe the sand thing was normal around the temple?

He was beginning to wonder if he’d ever get used to their magical Gem stuff…

…

“…Good. Now, you wait right there, and I'm going to grab the amulet I plan to exchange.” Rose said when Pearl looked a little happier.

"Okay." Pearl replied.

With that, Rose moved towards the Temple Gate and vanished into her room. As Pearl impatiently waited for her to return a frown spread across her face: the sight, and the thought of Rose and Greg enjoying themselves together was making her as miserable as ever, and the realization that her meditation had been a complete waste of time was making her feel stupid. She should have stayed where she was when she heard the warp pad but no, she had forced herself to believe that seeing Rose would change something —or prove that something _had_ changed, when in fact she and everything else were very much the same.

She walked slowly around the edge of the warp pad to pass the time, eventually coming to a stop on the opposite side; seconds later, the y-shaped seal of the Burning Room slid apart and Rose stepped out — the amulet she had mentioned hanging around her neck.

When she’d made the short walk to where Pearl was standing she took some time to regard her: neither Gem said anything for a few long moments, they simply… focused on one another, each taking something different from the exchange. Rose opened her mouth for the briefest instant and then closed it again, remaining silent; instead, she carefully reached out and placed her hand on the soft, pale skin of Pearl’s cheek…

Pearl made no attempt to move under Rose’s delicate touch; she felt like she was really being noticed, by the only person it was important for her to be noticed _by_ , and for as long as the contact lasted she wasn’t going to do anything to disguise how she felt or influence Rose’s reaction…

But all too soon the hand was removed from her face. Rose must have concluded that whatever was wrong with her was temporary, because she chose not to make anything more of their interaction.

“Alright, I think we should get going now: Greg wants to get something from his van first.” Rose announced in a slightly more serious tone that she’d been using earlier. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yes, see you later.” Pearl confirmed, bringing herself to smile.

Rose returned the gesture and then turned to begin her departure: Pearl watched her make her way around the warp pad, across the Temple's shiny floor and onto the sandy ground beyond, where Greg was waiting. They began to talk again and shortly after that, proceeded to stroll in the direction of the city.

She was left standing by herself, staring at their backs... Forgotten already. Watching them — so excited about the trip they were going on — made the feeling of loneliness almost physical, like a draft she couldn't ignore; involuntarily she wrapped her arms around herself, wishing they were Rose's arms instead.

Then something inside of her spoke up:

'But when Rose could've hugged you, she _didn't_.' it reminded her.

In the scheme of things it wasn't important: understandably, Rose was in a hurry to do something she wanted to do, and before she left she said that the two of them would spend time together when she got back — one missed hug shouldn’t matter…

But in that moment, there, in front of the warp pad… it had mattered to her.

In a flash of resentment her misery ignited, becoming fuel for the flames of her anger. She glared after the happy couple — growing more and more enraged the longer she thought about how much had been taken from her. Then, just as they were about to disappear from her line of vision, she saw their hands reach for each other and their fingers interlock…

For a few seconds the ivory Gem could do nothing but stand, unmoving, where she was; stunned by an emotional overload. As soon as regular thought had resumed she turned and stalked single-mindedly towards the Temple Gate, violently snatching her spear from her gem on the way. She hadn’t summoned the weapon for any particular reason, but as her hand trembled around its pearlescent shaft she was glad that she had: _it_ had never failed her when she’d needed it… Comforted by its solidity she put her other hand on the spear, and tightened her grip on it to try and stop her hands from shaking.

A few more steps brought her to the gate, which responded to the presence of her gem and opened without ceremony. She froze in surprise when her door shifted to admit her, because her room was not entirely as she had left it: at the edge of the lake closest to her stood Garnet, looking up at the ribbons above the fall that led to Amethyst’s room.

Now on her guard, Pearl slowly began to approach Garnet; and Garnet — who had heard her arrive — turned to face her:

“What are you doing in my room?” she asked quietly. Her measured, even tone served to make the question extremely menacing.

 “Trying to stop you from destroying your stuff.” Garnet replied, totally unfazed by the frosty welcome she’d been given.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry for coming in uninvited, but the things you keep in here — _your_ things… you keep them because they mean something to you. When Holo-Pearl fails to calm you down you’re going to—”

“I’m going to what, break everything I can get my hands on!? HOW IS THAT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS, GARNET!?”

“It isn’t, but I—”

“No, it isn’t! So just go back to your own room and watch someone else’s future, okay!? I don’t need you keeping an eye on me, I can look after myself!”

“…I know you can, that’s not what this is about. I’m here because I care about you.” Garnet explained with genuine concern.

“If you want to show me that you care then get out of my room! Now!” Pearl unyieldingly insisted.

“…Okay. If that’s what you want… I’m sorry, Pearl.” Garnet said softly.

Respecting her friend’s desire to be alone she began to make her exit: she passed Pearl in silence and the door opened to let her out, but she didn’t go through it — instead she stopped, and without turning round she said:

“You’re not alone, you know. Amethyst and I… we need you. …We’re _going_ to need to need you…”

Pearl didn’t reply, and as quickly just as their talk had started, it was finished — marked by the closing of the door behind her. Her grip on her spear tightened to a painful level as everything that had happened in the last hour or so flashed through her mind…

She just… didn’t know what to do.

Not about Greg, about Rose, with herself… everything was a mess; **_she_** was a mess! Her whole life was falling apart around her and she wasn’t doing anything to stop it!

‘WHY CAN’T I JUST BE OKAY!!?’ she asked herself hysterically, desperate for an answer that she never received.

With a long, high-pitched scream she threw her spear as hard as she physically could, not caring what it hit, or if it hit anything at all. Utterly spent, she stepped backwards — and after a few paces came up against the door with a soft bump; she slid lifelessly down the smooth surface, finally coming to rest in a sitting position with her hands either side of her.

She started to cry: two heavy streams of tears meandered down her face to collect under her chin, forming into drops which then fell through the air and dappled her veil and the top beneath. For a long time she stared off into the distance… defeated and hopeless… lacking the will to put any effort into thinking…

When sitting became uncomfortable she changed positions and lay on her side; the fighting, determined, merciless part of her was disgusted by the way she’d given up, and as if to make sure that she stayed where she obviously belonged, it delivered its final assessment of the situation:

‘There’s no one to blame for this but yourself. If you had _really_ wanted her, then you would've fought harder for her when you had the chance.’

As usual she was right, she was so weak… so ineffectual: even at the point when Rose had first announced her marriage she’d pretended to be happy, and then run away to cry.

She drew her arms and knees closer to her body, trying to make herself as small as she felt…


	4. Voices in the Rift III - Reflect

“…but then my gem started to crack and Garnet had to swim down and save me, so that was how _that_ ended. But technically, _I_ was deeper when she went all “ _I’m Garnet, dragging you to the surface by your leg.”_ — so I still won.” Amethyst declared triumphantly.

“…”

“Pearl?” she prompted when she got no response.

“…Yes, Amethyst?” Pearl asked wearily.

“Did you hear what I said?”

“No.” she answered flatly.

“Were you even listening?”

“No.”

“Rude, P… Rude…” Amethyst said with half-hearted disapproval.

…

She wasn’t really bothered though; the day was just too nice for it… Pearl had the right idea: lie down in the sun, take it easy… let everything else slide for a while… With a contented sigh the smaller Gem closed her eyes and put her hands behind her head, making sure she didn't hit Pearl — who was lying in the same position behind her — in the face. Being there with her, not doing anything, was nice — even if she wasn’t listening; what mattered was that Pearl was actually spending time with her: she stayed in her room like, all the time now, and if she wasn’t there, then it never took long for her to get up and find somewhere she could be alone again…

But Amethyst didn’t want to be alone.

Rose had Greg now, and Garnet seemed pretty okay with everything… she thought Pearl would be the one who’d get how she was feeling, and that they’d be there to help each other when it felt like Rose was far away, but so far it felt like Pearl just wanted to get rid of her… like she _wanted_ to feel like she was on her own…

So _obviously_ she was totally surprised when Pearl said she could come to the top of the hill with her. She was looking for cool stuff in the sand outside the Temple when Pearl walked straight past her, and as usual she’d asked where she was going — not actually expecting anything more than, “Out.” It turned out that Pearl was going to lie on the grass under the lighthouse (though that didn’t really matter, because she’d already known that she wanted to go with her), and so she asked if she could go too, and Pearl said “Alright.”, and now they were there.

She smiled.

For today at least, everything was perfect…

…

Pearl declined to comment on Amethyst’s words, and then there was silence as the two Gems pursued their own thoughts. An unmeasured length of time passed in the tiny, peaceful world they had created for themselves: how long they spent resting on the soft grass was irrelevant compared to the welcome feeling of distance from their worries that the summit, temporarily, provided.

But Amethyst’s mind wandered back to what had brought them there in the first place, and what things would be like if someone different had been performing their concert that day… Her curiosity got the better of her, and in a quiet voice she disturbed the tranquil atmosphere to see what Pearl thought:

“Would you ever wanna find someone like Greg?”

“ _Find_? Why would I be looking in the first place?” Pearl sullenly replied.

“Okay, not like _Greg_ , but someone… human.”

“What are you talking about?”

Amethyst sighed at the irritable question: it wasn’t _that_ hard to figure out what she was talking about, was it? …She tried to make things a little clearer:

“Rose has Greg; Sapphire and Ruby have each other — you’re the only one without a ‘special friend’…”

“So? And I'm not the only one: you don't have a significant other either.” Pearl pointed out, and then quickly added: “Do you?”

“Nope, I’m too young and innocent to be a part of all that.” Amethyst nonchalantly assured her. “But yeah, you’re the only one left. I know you _like_ Rose, like that… but with her and Greg getting married, her and _you_ isn’t gonna happen—”

“You think I don’t know that already!?” Pearl snapped. “Look, is there a point to what you’re saying? Because if not I’d rather you stayed silent.”

“I wasn't finished!” shouted Amethyst.

Pearl said nothing, allowing her to complete what she wanted to say. 

“Please, stop getting mad at me; I'm scared as well... She already spends a lot less time with us, if it gets worse then we...”

She didn’t want to finish the sentence, as though saying the words would somehow cause them to become true… But the same thought had occurred to Pearl many times before — she was well aware of what Amethyst was implying, and of the unhappiness that came with the thought…

“...I know.” she agreed in a sad, faraway voice.

Quiet returned to the hill once more, but for some reason Amethyst couldn’t take her mind off what she was thinking about earlier. When she felt it had been long enough, and had decided that what she was asking _shouldn’t_ upset Pearl too much, she asked again — a little more sensitively this time.

“So… have you ever thought about it? Being with a human?”

…

Pearl didn’t reply immediately.

It struck her that in all the millennia she’d spent on Earth she’d never seriously considered having a human partner —why would she, when there had been the prospect of Rose — and love on a completely different level?

But everything had changed… and it was only now that Amethyst had brought it up that she wondered if she could ever view humans as equals (in that respect), as Rose had done…

…

“Pearl?” Amethyst asked, unsure from Pearl’s silence if she was thinking or just didn’t want to answer the question.

“…”

“Sorry, I didn't mea—”

“It's okay.” Pearl interrupted. After a few seconds of deciding how to respond, she said:

“No, that’s… I’d never considered it —not until you mentioned it… Have you, ever thought about it?”

“Only a little... I mean, humans are a riot and everything, but I'm not old enough to be stuck to one yet: I've gotta _live_ first.”

“Amethyst, you're over five thousand years old...” Pearl gently reminded her.

 

“Yeah, but I don't _feel_ like it.” Amethyst countered. It was all the justification she needed.

“…Touché.”

…

Pearl didn’t have anything else to add the discussion, and while she could have tried to extend it, Amethyst knew the best thing to do was leave it where it stopped: things were really taking a toll on the other Gem, she realised it was way too soon for them to be talking seriously about her falling in love with someone new — she was lucky to have gotten as far as she had without making her leave.

They hadn’t solved anything, but that didn’t matter; she’d been able to show Pearl that she still wanted to be around her. She hoped it would count for something…

All of a sudden she felt gloomy, the reality of Rose getting further away had caught up with her again… To shake the feeling, she tried to focus on the one positive of the situation, sharing her final though on the subject with Pearl in the hope it might comfort her:

“It must be nice though: Rose looks really happy…” she said in a subdued way.

“…She does...” Pearl admitted quietly, sounding equally subdued.

…


End file.
